How Important is a Supportive Spouse as a Physician Mother?

In another recent segment of The Medical Sisterhood podcast, Mona Shahriari, MD, assistant clinical professor of dermatology at the Yale School of Medicine and associate director of clinical trials at Central Connecticut Dermatology Research, spoke with Jennifer Hsiao, MD, a dermatologist and clinical associate professor of clinical dermatology at Keck Medicine of the University of Southern California (USC) about the often invisible pressures faced by physician mothers. Their candid discussion explored the concept of the “mental load,” evolving family dynamics, and how motherhood reshapes both personal and professional perspectives.

Shahriari opened the conversation by reflecting on advice she received during residency suggesting 1 of the most important decisions in life is choosing a supportive partner. From there, the discussion shifted to a less visible but widely shared challenge among working parents: the mental load of anticipating and organizing household responsibilities. Hsiao described herself as the “calendar controller” of her household, responsible for tracking school schedules, appointments, extracurricular activities, and family logistics. While her partner provides flexibility and support when needed, she noted the underlying responsibility for anticipating these needs often falls to her.

Hsiao also highlighted how social norms can reinforce this dynamic. She pointed to a common example: schools often default to contacting mothers first, even when both parents share responsibilities. For physicians working in clinic settings, where stepping away from patient care is difficult, such expectations can create additional stress. Hsiao described receiving a missed call from her child’s school while in clinic as often triggering immediate concern.

Shahriari expanded on this point by emphasizing how societal conditioning contributes to invisible labor. She suggested girls are often raised to anticipate needs, while boys are encouraged to execute tasks once they are assigned. As a result, the anticipatory work can become disproportionately carried by mothers. The 2 physicians also reflected on how language itself may reinforce this imbalance, noting phrases such as “helping” with childcare can unintentionally imply that caregiving responsibilities primarily belong to mothers rather than representing shared ownership.

The discussion then turned to how motherhood has shaped their personal growth. Hsiao described parenting as both strengthening and transformative, likening it to being “on call 24/7” with high stakes and little formal preparation. She spoke about the profound sense of responsibility resulting from raising children and the intense emotional investment in helping them grow into thoughtful, compassionate adults.

Shahriari echoed these sentiments, describing her becoming a parent as having increased her empathy, both in daily life and in patient care. She reflected on how experiences such as managing childcare challenges have made her more understanding of patients navigating similar circumstances. Ultimately, the conversation broadened into a reflection on the idea of “having it all.” Hsiao emphasized that success looks different for each individual and depends on personal priorities and sacrifices. Rather than striving to meet external expectations, she encouraged physicians to define their own goals, both at home and professionally, and make decisions aligned with those values.

Editor’s note: This summary was edited with the help of AI tools.